Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Terrible idea I love it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
