you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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