I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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