I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
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