You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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