No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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