What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Randomize
