chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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