this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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