where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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