I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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