gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
