Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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