Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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