Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
