Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
