I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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