He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
