Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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