His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
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I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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