She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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