So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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