i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
