sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
