Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
