Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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