Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
