So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
