someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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