I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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