my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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