I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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