I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
