i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
