Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
