he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
