U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
