So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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