I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
