Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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