The maid of honor just puked.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
