There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
