I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
