so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize