Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
