When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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