my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
