dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
