Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
