Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You are the jesus of drinking
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
