this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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