Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
