i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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