Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
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We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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