this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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