so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
