I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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