i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
